The Second Problem - PTSD – Post-traumatic stress disorder

The Second Problem
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I have a problem,
or so I thought for a long time.

Something bothered me immensely.

Whether it was suffering, illness,
injustice, bullying, abuse, loss,
or anything else
that threw me off track,
what's certain is that the pain of it
was etched into my mind.

I got incredibly upset about it,
simmered with anger and resentment,
shrouded myself in self-pity
and depression,
occupied myself with all sorts
of distractions,
and did all sorts of things
to try and get rid of the pain.

Soon I realized that the thought
about my problem had become
lodged inside me,
like a bird that has built a nest
in my tree.

I'm starting to brood over
the negative feelings.
Day and night,
they give me no peace.

I'm getting so worked up
about this terrible situation
that I'm constantly preoccupied
with all sorts of possible
and even impossible scenarios.
Soon, I'm experiencing
increasing difficulty concentrating.
Coping with everyday tasks
becomes more and more difficult.

Positive aspects of the present moment
barely register with me anymore,
because everything increasingly revolves
around the negative thing
that's happened to me.

Even my relationships
with friends and acquaintances
have deteriorated,
as they were tired of hearing
the same old story
and me consistently ignoring
all their good advice.

For a long time,
I justified my current behavior
because of the problem
that had happened to me.
But I didn't realize
that I now have
more than one problem.

The second problem
has long since crept in:
I've lost my mental balance.

The first problem is now
a thing of the past
but the second problem
still haunts me every step of the way.

It's becoming increasingly difficult,
if not impossible,
to hold down a regular job,
to structure my daily life meaningfully,
to maintain healthy relationships,
and to value myself.

For a long time,
I always blamed my current difficulties
on the first problem.
I never wanted to seriously admit
that the second problem
affects me even more
than the first one,
which is now long gone.

Now it would be very important
to broaden my horizons,
to start perceiving the beauty
and goodness in the present,
to value myself again,
and to implement the helpful tips and advice
from my friends
instead of constantly complaining,
moaning, and lamenting.

But in the meantime,
my misbehavior has become
so ingrained
that it will be a difficult task for me
not only to acknowledge my second problem
but also, to take productive action against it.

Topic:   PTSD – Post-traumatic stress disorder