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If you
would have known
how much
helplessness
and
powerlessness
was behind
my violent attacks,
and that it
was the only way
how I could
express
that I did
not agree with you,
then you
might have thought about
how you
could help me,
so I would
do it different
the next
time.
The only language
that I was
familiar with
was raw
violence.
In actuality I was a
poor
wretch,
because
even if someone
only tried
to teach me
something
different,
I responded
with aggression
and the
other person
risked a
violent outburst from me.
So people distanced themselves
from me
more and more
and I never
learned anything new.
I had maneuvered myself
into a dead
end.
Deep inside
of me
I was
actually clueless and lonely.
But I could
not express that to you
because
then I would show weakness.
Honesty was dangerous for me
Honesty was dangerous for me
because I
did not want to lose
face
either.
I was looking for someone
who loved
me
without
conditions,
recognized
my helplessness,
and came to
my side
in a
productive way.
But through
my behavior
I have put
out my claws,
and not a
person
dared to
help me.
I knew
I had to
change my way of thinking,
but I did
not know how,
because on
my own
I could not
come up
with many
helpful thoughts.
I knew good and well
that my violence
was not the
answer
and that it
only produced
violence in
response
and in the
end made everything worse.
I did not
want that either.
But I could
not always do
what you
wanted
and agree
to everything.
I could not help myself;
friends
could not help me,
professionals
could not help me;
not a
person was able to.
But it
could not go on like that either.
Then I got the hint,
that I
would find help in the Bible.
It took a
long time
before I
let go of my aggression
towards
religion and church,
and began
to study the Bible
all by
myself.
Back then in the Bible
they also
had
major disagreements.
For the longest
time
they tried
it with wars,
but then
Jesus came.
The more I studied him,
the more he
had turned
his world
back then upside down
and the more
he turned
my own
world upside down.
All of a sudden
I was able
to think good thoughts.
Slowly but
surely
I started
to feel pity
instead of
hatred toward my enemies,
because I
knew
that in
their helplessness
they had put
out
their claws
too.
I could let
go of my pain
and give it
to Jesus.
That had
noting to do
with
religion and church,
but only
with him and me.
Inside of me he came
and cleansed
my wounds.
Inside of
me he endured
my violent
attacks towards him.
Inside of
me he stood by my side
and helped
me
when I was
overwhelmed myself.
This book
and this person
became
alive for me
here and
today
and that
was totally amazing.
Slowly I learned
to speak
another language
without any
human help.
It was the
language of love
without
conditions,
that I was
the least to deserve
but
experienced anyway.
He and I
began a
process of healing
away from
the action
in the
quietness
deep down
in my heart.
Today I still have not
much in common
with
religion and church,
but more
and more
with Jesus,
and I am
forever thankful
to him for
that.
Theme: The helplessness behind violence
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